Lesson Eleven: Solitude...

I saw something today that got me thinking, and to some extent, I do agree with and wanted to share with everyone.

Keeping my previous post in mind, there is a fine line between solitude for the purpose of listening to one's own soul, and 'depressed solitude', the later of which is never a good thing.  We must learn how to withdraw within ourselves for growth, not isolation.  Knowing the difference can be tricky, but often times it is the later of which that leads to the growth our souls need.  If you find that you are down on yourself, feelings of worthlessness, failure, overwhelming sadness and despair, seek help for depression.  There are many sources available to everyone going through these things. I've included some in my previous post. 

But, if it is spiritual growth you are looking for, then solitude IN NATURE and/or quiet meditation is what you need to seek, because then, and only then, can you perceive the 'bigger picture'.  Then, and only then, can one get in touch with their higher selves and reach the epiphany we need to actively changes our lives.  We are the purveyors of our own destiny.  It is within our own hands and our own selves that we find everything we need to change our lives for the better. 

Law of attraction works!  If we are negative, then we will continue to attract negativity.  If we are over dramatic, we will continue to attract drama.  If we are positive, then we will attract positive people.  If we are a positive influence, we will continue to be inspired by the positive acts of others.  

By the same token, if we are not happy in our lives, we need to take a step back, and within ourselves, to find out why.  We cannot look to others to make us whole or happy.  If we cannot be that on our own, by ourselves, then we will not be happy or whole even if we do have another in our lives.  First we must fix what seems to be broken and we cannot do that by putting the responsibility on someone else's shoulders when it belongs squarely on our own.  We must first find and fix ourselves, and love ourselves, before we can offer our true self and love to others.  

If we feel that 'Life' is testing us, know that it is.  Also know that there is only one question on that test: "What are you going to do about it?"  And if we simply continue our lives without making changes for the better, then we will fail this test over and over again.  If we make a change and things start going, seemingly, right only to immediately go back to our old ways, then we are not growing our soul... we are only frustrating it.   

Be reflective.  Let the mirror's image be a reflection of what you want in your life.  If you are happy with your life the way it is, and there is no room or need for improvement, congratulations!  But, if you find yourself longing for something more... NEEDING something more out of life, you only need look inside yourself to find all the answers you need for this life, and the changes you need to make.  

Are you doing what you want to be doing with your life?  No?  Then determine what you need to do to get there and do it, whatever 'it' is and so long as "IT" is legal.  LOL I don't ever want to encourage wrong doing. Just remember that Rome wasn't built in a day. It's going to take time and effort as well as planning, and discipline (I'm still working on that part) to get where we want, and what we want, out of life.

I'll tell you like an old friend once told me:  "Your ship HAS come in! It's in the harbor waiting for you to claim it."  and I'll add:  Just don't take too long, though... dreams always find a way to manifest, if not with you, then with someone who is willing to do what it takes.  If you want it, claim it, and do the work it's going to take to get it.  You're never too old to for your dreams... and if you feel you are, or cannot for whatever reason you are holding yourself back for, then you have already failed and will repeat the same lesson in your next life.  

Are you ready to do what it takes?  

Please remember to be kind to others... most especially yourself.  Namaste'. 

Peace, love, light, and blessings.

~Jenna

Depression...

I've been busy over the last week, and I've also had a lot on my mind pertaining to recent, and very sad, events.  It's time I break my silence on the issue.  In honor of the late Robin Williams.

Depression is a very DANGEROUS thing that a lot of people suffer with, including myself.  But not everyone can understand what it is to suffer with this affliction.  Regardless of whether you're the wealthiest, most respected, sought after, admired celebrity in the world, or the poorest, most often ignored homeless person living under a bridge somewhere.  Depression hurts! Depression KILLS!

If you've never suffered from depression and just don't understand it, I encourage you to click here and read these stories.

On August 11th, 2014 the world got a little darker when someone who had been making us laugh for decades took his own life in a way in which to ensure there was no resuscitation.  It's sad to think, but it is a very true statement nonetheless, that the ones who make us laugh most are generally the ones who need to laugh themselves.  They are generally the ones who suffer from depression, anxiety, addictions, financial woes... they are the ones who usually take their own lives when all seems hopeless.  

After news of Robin William's suicide, I think the world took a collective gasp.  There are so many iconic roles this man has been in through the course of his life that made me question if he ever thought of the lessons taught by those roles before taking his life, or was he in so much despair that he couldn't think straight. Pictures of him with these iconic quotes from these iconic movies have flooded the interwebs, fueling my questions and all the 'what if's' and 'I wonder...' Questions we will never have the answers to.  Regardless of his mindset, he was a great genius of a man who has touched the lives of many, including myself, and he will be sorely missed by most of the world... most especially by his family.  

If you are reading this and are feeling that your life is meaningless, that you don't matter, if you're thinking of ending your life, I urge you to reach out to someone... a family member that matters most to you... a friend you trust... a complete stranger... it doesn't matter to whom, just reach out and talk to someone that you know will listen.  Even if you think that you don't, YOU matter!!  Your life matters!

There is the National Suicide Prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255 and there are even help-group organization, non-profit, that can help you, just click here. 

PLEASE! REACH OUT NOW!

If you are someone who is concerned for a friend or family member, there are usually precursory warning signs.  Read more about them here and/or here.

Though you may feel it, you are not alone.  There IS help.

PLEASE! REACH OUT NOW!



In honor and remembrance of the great genius that was Robin Williams.  May his family find peace in their hearts.  May you find the peace you need in yours.

 

Please remember to be kind to others... MOST especially yourself.  You are so loved!

Peace, love, light, and blessings.  Namaste'.

~Jenna

Lesson Ten: Realization.... We Are One!

So, over the last couple of days, I've been thinking about what to write when, last night, an old childhood friend posted a video on FaceBook and tagged me to see it.  I cannot say what it was that I was expecting from the short video, but I wasn't really expecting what I saw and heard.

Granted, music and imagery have a lot to do with the 'feel' of the video.  I'm sure the lecture wasn't AS moving in person, UNLESS Mr. Alan Watts lowered the lights and played similar imagery and music when he lectured, which, given the time that he was with us in this form, I doubt happened.  Regardless, I couldn't NOT share this video here and leave you with a bit of my thoughts on the matter.

What can I say?  I LOVE THIS!!  I cried!  But not for reasons that one would think. You see, for me, this video is an affirmation.

All my life, I've always felt and known things to be different than what we're all raised to believe and think and feel. The first time I watched the movie "What Dreams May Come" I cried for the same reason. All I could think was "OMG! I'm not alone! There are other's out there who think and feel as I do." It was an affirmation... a validation... that everything I'd always known and felt to be true and real IS.  I think that was when I woke up and embraced the fact that we are all something so much more than we think we are.

Hmm... in retrospect, I guess it's taken me this long to get to the point where I am because I felt a sense of obligation to change the way everyone thinks and feels to match my own awareness... or perhaps because I simply didn't know how to let go and cope with my own awareness.  You see, for most of my life, other's opinion of me ...mattered!  A LOT more than it should have!

Within the last decade or so, I am often reminded of someone that I'd met when in high school.  For the life of me, I cannot remember his name as I've always been terrible with names, but I remember that this guy didn't like me very much.  I tried everything I could think of to change his opinion of me... to no avail... which quite perplexed me.  I got rather disheartened and frustrated, and finally went to talk to him; the conversation went something to like this:

Me: Why don't you like me? I haven't done anything to make you dislike me, but have tried everything to get you to like me.  I don't understand?

He actually looked at me with what I took as compassion in his eyes, as I'm sure he could see the tears forming in mine despite myself, and he said something that I have never forgotten:

Him: You know how, sometimes, you can just look at someone and they instantly get under your skin? You just don't like them?   

Me: Yeah..?  I guess so...  

Him: Well...  not to be mean or anything, but you're kinda that way for me.  

I tried to be brave, but a rouge tear ran down my cheek as my ego (which was already pretty damaged) took yet another blow.

Me: Oh... I see.  

He gave a sympathetic pat on my shoulder and went on to explain:

Him: But, it's ok to not like everyone you meet.  It's ok if everyone you meet doesn't like you.  It's nothing personal; no one's opinion matters but your own.  Just be you.

He again patted my shoulder and gave me an encouraging smile before walking away.  

His words were so wise they astounded me coming from one as young as he was (about 17-18 years old).  I walked around numb and distracted the rest of the day, thinking about... processing...  what it was he'd said to me. I thought I got it, but didn't really put it into practice until much later in my life.  After that day anytime we passed each other in the hallways we would simply smile and nod, but we never spoke again.  It wouldn't be until sometime between the age of 35 and 38 that what he said would finally sink all the way in and I would finally start living me life accordingly.

I found myself in a very similar situation with a co-worker that perplexed me in the same manner.  I remember going home and being upset that this person simply did not like me when I'd done nothing to warrant that kind of reception from this person. I found myself wracking my brain trying to think of ways to win them over when suddenly, those wise words spoken to me so long ago came back to me, hauntingly so.  It was a startling realization that hit me hard, and I found myself initially feeling the same way I'd felt when he'd first spoke those words to me.  Then I smiled, and even began to laugh at myself for having been upset when I shouldn't have been. "I get it now! I FULLY get it now," I declared aloud.

I think that is when my inner healing really began... when the opinions of others stopped mattering to me... well, at least their opinion of me.  Over the years, I've simply adopted the mindset that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. If they like me, that's great! If they don't like me... well, they're entitled that opinion.  I just wish I could remember this guy's name so that I could thank him for his wise words all those years ago.

The important thing to remember here, is that the burden of enlightenment is not my burden to bear, nor is it yours... it is the burden of the unenlightened.  We can do everything in our power to try and turn the light on, but some are determined to stay in the dark, no matter what we do. The trick is to find like-minded people and surround yourself with them and to especially remember that you become like the people you surround yourself with.


Please remember to be kind to others, most especially to yourself.  Namaste'.


Peace, Love, Light, & Blessings.

~Jenna

Lesson Nine: Self Betrayal and finding the right path

As mentioned in my previous two posts, "How to stop over thinking everything" and "Lesson Eight: Change your mind...", there has been a lot on my mind lately.  Trying to figure out if I'm on the right path in life has been one of those things that's been on my mind.

In my searching for inspiration, I came across a few videos that really stuck with me.  This is one of the ones that brought tears to my eyes.  Why, you may ask?  Because I'm guilty of this very thing.  Betraying myself and everything I believe in.

Like Oprah said, (and I'm paraphrasing here) "I used to think that betrayal from a close friend or family member, a loved one, was the worst possible form of betrayal, but it's not.  Betraying oneself is the worst kind of betrayal there is." 

WOW! Just typing that brought tears to my eyes again and brought with it another 'Aha!' moment for me, which has just lead me to the answer of one of the questions I posed in "Lesson Eight"  

How do you change your mind?  You stop betraying yourself.  

Think of all the things in your life (without over thinking, mind you) that you have done that have been a betrayal to yourself.  All of the poor decisions you've ever made for the sake of something or someone else.  Think of all the ways you've held yourself back.  CLAIM responsibility for the fact that YOU! HAVE! BETRAYED! YOURSELF!  --  Read that last line again... Let that sink in for a moment.  Are you crying like I am right now while typing this?  If so, then you, too, are guilty of betraying yourself.

And now I know what I have to do... what I MUST do.  STOP betraying myself and what I believe in.  But how?  How do you stop living the way you've always lived? How do you stop thinking the way you've always thought.  Depending on your situation, the only answer I can offer is that everything I need, everything you need, the answers we seek, is/are within us.  We just need to connect with our higher self.  Again we ask, 'Yes, but how? How do we do that?' Well, a good place to start is with meditation.  

YouTube is chock full of inspirational meditation music if you don't have any readily available.  Find the time to meditate everyday.  If you have a busy schedule, you need to find a way to fit time in for yourself.  Even if that means getting up a little bit early, 10 to 15 minutes at the very least, when the house is quiet, the phone is quiet.  Put the dog out (if you have a dog) put on a pot of coffee (or a soothing herbal tea) then get out the laptop, iPod, iPad, iPhone, Notebook, Tablet, or desktop if you don't have any of the others.  Pick out the one you want to listen to the night before (if you're doing this first thing in the morning) get yourself into a comfortable position, hit play and close your eyes, clear your mind, I know, that's a hard one but try your best not to think, and to just simply be.  Tell yourself that you are seeking answers from your higher self.  Invite your higher self to come and speak with you and bring you the insight you need to get through the day.  If you don't have the time first thing in the morning, then do it in the evening, once the kids have gone to bed, the chores have been done, and just before you're ready for bed.  You can do this.  You can.  And so can I.

Please remember to be kind to everyone, most especially yourself.  Namaste' my friend.

~Jenna

Lesson Eight: Change your mind...

As mentioned in my previous post, "How To Stop Over Thinking Everything", there's been a lot on my mind the last few days, thus my absence here in the blog, not only that, but I had been dealing with a terrible bout of depression as well.

I often found myself over thinking everything.  Things like:

How do I let go of this hurt, this anger inside me?  How do I let go of this overwhelming sadness that consumes me at times?  How do I just let go of all the negative and find my inner peace?  How do I find the confidence I need to believe in myself and follow my dreams?  How do I....?  How do I...?  How do I...?  I'm sure you get the picture by now.

In my looking around for inspiration, (which I just realized something, but I'll get to that in a moment) one image kept surfacing, A LOT over the last week or so:

And I kept thinking about a short snippet of a video I'd seen the other day, (I'll share that in my next blog)  when it suddenly hit me.  I'd walked into the kitchen to get something to drink, and as I did so, I suddenly said to myself: 

"Change your thinking and change your life."

I just kept repeating that to myself... 'change your thinking and change your life'.  I get it... Oh, my God... I get it.  Eureka! I get it!

In order to change your life, to change your stars, to manifest your reality, you have to change your way of thinking, before you can change your way of being.  I also get that it's going to be a slow, gradual change, one step at a time.  Much to my own chagrin, it's not going to just happen over night, but once you get into alignment with self, everything suddenly starts falling into place effortlessly.  That's what that means.

So, now there are two question that remain, at least for me, HOW do I change my way of thinking? And where the hell is Tony Robbins when you need him?


Please remember to be kind to everyone, most especially yourself.  Namaste' my friend.

~Jenna

P.S. OH! That realization I had back toward the beginning of this entry?  That I've been looking for inspiration without when I should be looking within.  Everything you need to change your stars is within you.  You just have to look for it, find it, and when you do, hold on to it.  Put it in a special place to be on display and NEVER let it get buried that deep again.  I'm still digging through the crap that's been beat me down for the last 40 years.  Keep digging.  It's in there... somewhere.  

How to Stop Over thinking Everything

In my journey to change my stars, there has been one thing that has really been sticking out in my mind the last few days... Oh, I should apologize for being lax with my posting.  I've had so much to say, but didn't want to come off as ranting, nor did I want to make it too lengthy either.  

As I said, I've had a few things on my mind of late and was starting to feel a bit overwhelmed.  I've been explosively angry, as a friend brought to my attention, which I've not meant to be.  

I've been feeling rather negative lately and I'm noticing more and more the impact that has on my psyche and my body.  I've been in more pain the last few days than I had been in the few weeks prior.  

I kept questioning myself... how do I just let go of that anger? How do I find this happiness, this inner peace that I seek to find.  Am I really making a difference?  Then, I came across this video after listening to something that another friend had sent me after a terrible bout of depression last week.  After watching this, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was guilty of this very thing.... over thinking.

This is Ralph Smart and he does have a FaceBook page, you can find him here.  He reminds me a LOT of Bruce Lee; the manner in which he speaks, the way that he moves and explains things.  Whatever that 'thing' is that Bruce found, that... Chi... for lack of a better term, this guy's got it.  

If you find yourself struggling, as I was... as I AM to let go of the negative, to grasp the optimism with both hands and hold on, you should definitely check this guy out.  He's quite the 'guru', and makes these inspirational videos once a week to help others to let go and find that inner peace. 

Please remember to be kind to others, most especially yourself.  Namaste' my friend.

Peace, Love, Light, and Blessings.

~Jenna

Strange Dreams...

What can I say?  I'm not super-human... just plain ol' boring human. The last few days of this week have been pretty rough on me.  Coming to some realizations I wasn't exactly prepared for threw me for a loop and knocked me on backside.  I felt as if I tripped, staggered and fell backwards.

But, I'm ok.  It took me a couple of days, but I picked myself up and dusted off and said, "I'm okay.  I got this!" with a smile on my face.  Life, ya hit like a little bitch.  I know you're going to throw everything you've got at me to discourage me and throw me off my mission, but I will succeed.  You will see. :)  Bruce has taught me well!

"To me, defeat in anything is merely temporary...

Defeat simply tells me that something is wrong

In my doing; it is a path leading to success and 

Truth."  --   Bruce Lee

So, this morning (my morning = afternoon most of the time) I was having a dream that I realized, while in the dream, that I'd had this dream twice before, and it's been the same. The only difference is that it's progressed a little bit each time I've had the dream.

In the beginning, I walk into the entry of a massive and ancient pagoda.  The base floor covers, at least, 10 acres.  I am accompanied by two other people; someone older, and someone younger.  I'm going to assume these two people are me... my id, so to speak.  At first, when I walk in, it looks familiar to me, and I say (to myselves... Ha! that's not strange at all) "Let's go this way..."  and we move off into a corridor on the right hand side of the entry hall where it, too, looks familiar.  I walk along until I come to a room with a large cherry wooden desk, and other cherry wooden fixtures, a room where I had (13 years earlier) met Bruce Lee in my dreams, but this time, there is no one there.  We walk out of the room and back into the corridor and the younger me says, "Now where?"  We scan the hall back and forth and decide to continue to the left, where we come to another open room with no one there and sparse furnishings.  Suddenly, we are sealed within this room and we start to panic, frantically searching for a way out.  We hear a voice that tells us to be still.  To think and to feel and the answers will come to us.  Then, a piece of paper drifts down from the ceiling.  It had some writing on it but I couldn't tell you what it said... I don't remember.

Basically, it told us that we must get to the top of the pagoda if we wish to reach our dreams, to fulfill our destiny, but we must hurry because time is running out on the dream.  In each room, there will be a riddle that we must solve before we can progress to the next room.  There will be no way back... only forward... ever forward.

The answers for these riddles could have been anything from watering the plants, to painting the room a different color, to looking behind paintings to collect some money to buy lunch for an old man in the cafeteria we got trapped in.  They were tiny, minuscule, mundane, everyday things that we do in our lives. Each time I've had this dream, I've progressed a few rooms at a time, and some rooms are harder than others.

But today, I realized something else... I realized that this is my pagoda.  The pagoda represents my life and each room is a different challenge in my life.  I have no idea how many floors this pagoda has, but I would not be one bit surprised to make to the top floor and found Bruce there, smiling and clapping and telling me that he knew I could do it.

I woke up today feeling great, but kind of disconnected.  I've thought about the dream quite often today and realize that I have been blessed in so many ways.  I just haven't seen it, realized it, accepted it.  There are more blessings to come; I feel that in my bones.  I almost feel like a new person... mentally and spiritually at least.  Now if the body would just feel that way, too, I'd be very happy.

Nonetheless, I want to leave you with this, today's message:

If I can do it, so can you.  We'll do this together.  Are you ready?  Take my hand... I wont let go until you do.  :)

Please remember to be kind to others, most especially yourself.  Namaste'.

Peace, Love, Light, and Blessings.

~Jenna

How do you say 'Goodbye...'?

Today has been a rather hard day for me.  I'm trying to do the best I can right now on my path to recovery and salvation and trying to stay positive and upbeat when your heart is breaking is a very difficult thing to do.  I've made some rather startling and very painful realizations today.

First and foremost, realizing that certain people in your life that you truly love very deeply no longer feel the same about you, or have been wrongly poisoned against you.  Realizing that you're just another number to them.... another faceless name on a screen, despite having known each other for 15 years.  A deep sense of 'knowing' that you need to let go and simply fade into invisibility,  knowing that this is the end of the road for them in your life.

How do you let go of someone who means the world to you when you no longer mean the world to them?  How do you say goodbye to someone that you love so deeply with all your soul when you know that you're invisible to them? How do you let them go knowing how much it's killing you to do so?

And if that wasn't bad enough, my eldest daughter, who has spent the summer away from home, messages me tonight and says, "Is it bad that I don't want to come back home?"  And it's not so much because she doesn't love me, because I know she does, but... it reinforces all those negative feelings I have toward myself.  That I'm not good enough.  That I'm a failure because my daughter hates where I've moved our family to so that I can recover from my physical illnesses with the peace of mind knowing that my kids are taken care of if I end up back in the hospital again.  That I'm incapable of providing a happy home environment for my kids to want to come home to.

How do you tell yourself that you're doing the best you can right now?  How do you not feel like crawling under a rock and quietly dying the slow death that you already feel in your soul?  How do you tell yourself that you do matter when you feel like you don't?  How do you tell yourself that you're worthy when you feel like you're not?  That you are loved when you feel that you aren't?

...

...

...

--closes my eyes to fight back the flood of tears I feel coming on again, and take a deep breath and say to myself--

Self, please move.  You're standing... our way.



Namaste', everyone.  Good night.

~Jenna

Food For Thought...

Things that make ya go 'Hmmm....'

First, let me start off with this:
I heard a lyric today that, though the song content is not applicable here, the very first verse is... to me:

"There's something I have to tell you
Why can't I spit it out?
Coming clean's a breakthrough
Excuse me if I shout"
                   -- Livy High "Light In My Soul"

I saw this image this 'morning' -- my morning, at 12:58pm -- and this really 'grabbed' me.  I never really thought about it before, but when you have been wounded it is as if the 'armor' you've been wearing has been pierced, punctured.  It's like the a hole has been punched through the walls we build around ourselves for protection and bright, brilliant light is now flooding into our dark rooms; the  ...un-witting... prisons we've built for ourselves.  So, then... why does it hurt so much?  

I think it hurts so much because we have become so accustomed to living in our own 'dark world' within ourselves.... it's as if we've been living, chained, in a cave all this time and we have come out and seen the light for the first time... it's going to hurt until our eyes adjust to the light.

Unfortunately, most of us just find (read build) another cave to seal ourselves up in.  What we don't realize is the damage we're doing to ourselves by shutting ourselves up inside our walls, inside our caves.  By doing so, we are only setting ourselves up to be hurt again, and again.  

But, what if... 

What if we say, "Enough is enough!" 

What if we become 'open', and give of ourselves freely, going into the world knowing (read accepting) that "This Is Gonna Hurt"*.

I'm not saying to come out, guns blazing and jump right into the deep end of the pool before you have learned how to swim; you have to crawl before you can walk, and walk before you can run.  But...  what if we slowly come out of our dark world and into the light; let our eyes adjust slowly, so the pain of sudden light doesn't hurt so much.  

After all... isn't that what healing is all about?  We need the light to heal our wounds.  Without it... they will simple fester within us.  A... "self inflicted murder"*, so to speak.   

'Hmmm' indeed... I get it now... I get it.

Definitely food for thought...

Let's make some scars.

Please be kind to others, most especially yourself.  Namaste'.

Peace, love, LIGHT, and blessings.

~Jenna

*from the song "This Is Gonna Hurt" by SIXX: A.M. 

Lesson Seven: Personal Liberation

A FaceBook 'friend' of mine, the very beautiful and very talented Athena Kottak, posted something tonight that really got me to thinking.  Though I'm not currently in a relationship, I have found myself, at times, feeling this same way and so I wanted to share this link with you.

It's to a short article about being in stagnant, or even abusive, relationships and knowing when it's time to let go, walk away, and move on.  Some of us (some more than others) know far too much about these kinds of relationships and how damaging they can be to ones own soul.

If you are in a relationship and can answer yes to some of these, perhaps it's time to rethink your goals, dreams, and ambitions in life; what it is you hope to accomplish and talk to your partner about it to get their input.  If their response is favorable and encouraging, then there may be hope for the relationship.  If you can answer yes to more than half of these, then you might want to rethink the relationship altogether and take the necessary steps to letting go.  If you can answer yes to ALL of these then, as Athena said when she posted this, RUUUUUUN!

As I've said before, change is not easy.  Making the decision to make changes is the easy part, it's the taking of steps to put those changes into effect that's the hard part.  But, if you don't, no one else will.  No one can walk your path but you.  Sure, they can walk along side of you for a while, but they can't walk it for you because it is YOUR path.  Not theirs.

My advice on this topic is simple really.  Trust your intuition... it's connected to your heart, which is connected to your soul.  It's something that I tell others frequently. In situations like this, when you don't know where to start, or who to listen to, my advice is listen to your heart... follow your heart because your head will lie to you and tell you what you want to hear, but not your heart. 

Sure, sometimes it may lead you down a path of heartache, but it will NEVER lead you down the road of regret... your head will ALWAYS lead you down the path of regret, even if it seems the logical choice to make. Your heart is connected to your soul, and your soul knows what it's doing... trust it. Trust in yourself and KNOW that you WILL, eventually, end up exactly where you're meant to be. Life is far too short to stay in a stagnant, unhappy and/or abusive relationship that no longer grows you as a person. Listen to and follow your heart... it knows the way.  Do what is necessary to preserve yourself and your dreams.  

Bruce once said:  "Seek Personal Liberation"

This means, to free yourself from what holds you back, even if that also means yourself.  Seek solitude and time to reflect on your life goals.  Sometimes in life, we are our own worst enemy.  Often, we've been known to stand in our own way, hindering our own progress.  If you find that you're doing this, then be still, close your eyes, take a deep breath or three, politely tell yourself to move out of the way, envision yourself moving out of the doorway of life, then open your eyes and take that first shaky step.  You can do this!  You have what it takes!  Believe in yourself as I believe in you; as I believe in myself.  Have faith that you can accomplish anything.  And... 

Please remember to be kind, most especially to yourself.  Namaste'. 

Peace, love, light, and blessings, my friend. 

~Jenna

**By 'friend' I simply mean that I do not personally know Athena, but I wish I did.  She's a very strong woman whom I admire and find inspiration in. 

Lesson Six: Be yourself...

I've spent the last few days thinking... Thinking about all manner of things; life: is there a deeper meaning? What more can I do to make a difference both in my life and the lives of those around me?  Etc... etc... and overall, there has been one message that's stood out to me the last few days... 'Be yourself. Be true to who you are.'  So, when I saw this image this morning on my daily breeze through the drivel of FaceBook, I took it straight to heart and decided this will be what I talk about today.

"Be who you truly are..."  But what does that mean?  That means that you must be everything that you are, unapologetically.  The ones who truly matter in your life path will still be right there for, and with, you.  Those who have an adverse reaction to the 'real' you were never meant to continue to walk along with you on your life path...  let them go, with love in your heart for what they have brought into your life; most especially if it's been something positive.  Regardless, there will be one positive outcome... you will see them for who they truly are, and you will see, in retrospect, exactly what it is they've brought to your life, and your life will be better off without that influence.  

People who tear you down and try to hinder you and your forward progress, your success, no matter what that success may be, are not true friends.  They are jealous, envious even, of what you have shown you are capable of.  Their negativity is a reflection of themselves, not you.  Now is the time to shed that skin, like a snake, and boldly move forward with who you are and who you wish to become.  Now is the time to prove all the naysayers wrong.  Go forward, do what you have to do to succeed in life.  Everything else will fall into place as it's meant to and when it's meant to.  

Today's message from Bruce is to be true and honest to, and with, yourself.  Look inward for all the answers you seek... they are there... within you.  You just have to look... to listen.  Quiet your mind, meditate, and listen... your soul will answer and you will be overcome with the deepest level of knowing that there could possibly be.  You will know, beyond the shadow of all doubt, where your path will lead and what you need to do.  

Be true, be honest, be quiet, and listen, and you will understand.  If you have tried and still feel you do not understand, don't get discouraged.  Don't give up.  Try again, even, and most especially, if you feel like it's hopeless, pointless.  Try again.  Winners are losers who tried one more time.  Try again.  

You can do this!  Change is hard, no one ever said it was going to be easy... but it will be worth it.

Remember to be kind to others, most especially yourself.  Namaste'.

Peace, love, light and blessings, my friend. 

~Jenna

Lesson Five: Passion...

What is 'passion'?  Well, the dictionary describes it as: "any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling."

When applied to your life, it is something that drives us.  Something that we long for in life.  In most cases, it is something that we wish we could be doing with our lives and is most often our hobby that we wish we could turn into our career.  All too often, we try to figure out a way to fit it into our daily lives... sometimes we succeed... sometimes we fail.  

But to not feed our passions can be frustrating and even feel like our lives have no purpose or meaning.  

If you haven't found your passion, or don't know what your passion is, it will be the one thing in your life that makes you most feel alive... the one thing that you can do that brings you joy and inspiration.  Find that thing and do it.  Even if it's just in small doses, but formulate a plan of action and go for the gold.  

A word to the wise; do not let failure stop or defeat you.  Failure can be expected sometimes.  But don't give up trying until you've succeeded.  Try, or do nothing and let your passions die a silent death.  To me, the decision is clear.  I know what I want and I know what it's going to take to get it; work, determination, and perseverance.  These things will help you achieve what it is you desire.  

Bruce was once quoted as saying:

Defeat can be expected, but do not let it define you as a failure.  No one who ever became successful did not suffer at the hands of defeat several times. Change the way in which you go about it and always give it one more try. 

Change is never easy.  We have our setbacks, our pitfalls, even our failures.  But we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, tell life it hits like a little bitch and get back in the ring.  If you've already made the decision to change your stars, then you've already taken the first step, just keep walking and believe in yourself as I believe in you... as I believe in myself.  

Always remember to be kind to others, most especially yourself.  Namaste'.

Peace, love, light, and blessings, my friend. 

~Jenna

Daily Inspiration

Well, the last 24 hours has been interesting, to say the very least.  I haven't been sleeping very well the last few weeks, averaging no less than 4 hours a day.  I'm guessing that had finally caught to me because yesterday, at 1:47pm I laid down to take my usual 4 hrs every 30 hrs nap only to not wake up until ten minutes to 6 this morning!  WOW! Can you say sleep hangover?  Ugh!! 

I've sincerely been trying to not be a complainer about my pain and general malady that I feel on a day to day basis, but today is just one of those days were I feel ancient as time itself.  I find myself easily distracted from tasks by seemingly nothing at all, to be honest.  I keep spacing while trying to type the simplest of things.  It's almost like I'm not all here.  I have a very powerful headache that doesn't seem to want to disappear and the appearance of a thunderstorm that just moved through may be to blame for my general malady of the day.  High pressure fronts tend to kick my ass!  It's things like this that make being empathic suck; we're prone to feeling, and being effected by, things intensely, including the weather. 

At any rate, because of my feeling so 'Blah!' today, I've been struggling to find something inspiring to talk about as a lesson today.  So, I've decided to forego the lesson of the day in favor of something that I did find that inspired me to some extent today...  

...and this is the reason I decided to blog today, even if only to say, "Keep up the good fight."  It's a very powerful message, and it is the reason why I started this blog to begin with... in hopes that it would make a difference in someone else's life. 

Please remember to be kind to others, most especially yourself.  Namaste'.

Peace, Love, Light and Blessings.

~Jenna

Lesson Four: Helping...

As an empath, I have always been one with a very big and kind heart, wanting to help everyone I could possibly help.  Most especially when I can feel the pain of their suffering.  But how do you know who to help and when to walk away from them?  Well, that's not an easy answer.

When I was 19 and a newly wed, I can recall a time when I was talking to mother on the phone about someone I knew that was going through a very hard time and how I had been trying and trying to help this friend, but nothing I did had any kind of effect on him.  I felt so powerless to do anything for him and it was killing me inside because I could FEEL his depression and hopelessness crushing him.  My mother said to me, "Baby, you can't heal the world" to which I replied, in tears, "I'll be damned if I can't try!"  And try I did... to no avail.  Eventually, for the sake of my own sanity, I had to walk away from that friendship because it was toxic.  Admitting that to myself felt like a personal failure to me.  Over the years, as I've gotten older, I appreciate the wisdom of my mother's words and have begun to apply it to my life.  More than anything, I realized I needed to take care of me and my family and help those I can when I can, but only if they sought my help.  For this very reason, I keep a very small circle of close friends and family.

Last night while talking with my best friend, 'Freaky' (/wave) she was telling me about a guy that she'd recently met and how he seemed to be this black hole of hopelessness (my words, not hers), but that initially she felt compelled to try and cheer this guy up.  She was telling me a bit about his situation, quite bleak in today's economy, and he was absolutely devastated by the fact that he simply couldn't find a job (which, I guarantee he's not trying very hard as he could pick up something like what I call a 'temporary' job, like at popular fast food restaurants or popular grocery/store outlets, some 'grunt' work that would help to tide him over until he can manage to find a decent job suited to his skills) and how he was going to have to default on his bills and he was going to lose so much of his freedom and independence because he simply could not find a job or pay his bills.  Instead of trying to figure out a solution, he chose to sit and wallow in his depression, allowing himself to be beaten down by his demons and continuing to feed their ravenous appetites with his constant negativity.  She had told me that she'd sent him a rather upbeat email in hopes that it would cheer him up and his reply was something to the effect of: "I'm simply going to wait for my eviction notice and let the world crash around me."  My friend told me that at that moment, she chose to simply walk away from that train wreck.

And then, I said something rather profound... something that struck me as a 'wow' moment and I wrote it down so that I could share it here as today's lesson, by me.

At first I thought, "Wait, Jenna... that's a bit harsh, don't you think?"  But then, I thought, "No, it's not because it is a truth, and sometimes the truth is a bit hard to swallow."  Yes, I do frequently talk to myself.  It's actually quite a healthy thing to do sometimes... other times, I'm just seeking expert advice. ;)

So, what do I mean by this little bit of insight?  Well, everyone is going to interpret things a little differently, but for me this is simply saying that we create our own reality. "As you think, so shall you become." That quote right there is becoming more and more relevant to me every single day, and I find myself repeating it to others at least once a day.  (Please refer to blog entry: Lesson 1: Thinking...)

When we choose to wallow in depression and feed our demons with constant negativity and self-loathing, when we choose to do nothing about the shitty situation we're in then we deserve to be in that shitty situation until, finally, we've had enough of digging below the bottom of the well with bloody hands and we decide to look for a ladder or a rope, a tree branch, anything to help us find our way out of this darkness that has consumed us so completely.  That is when we start searching in the darkness, looking for the glimmer from the light of hope.  But until that happens, all anyone can do to help them is simply point in the direction of hope... it's up to them to actually look and walk in that direction and help themselves.

If, in trying to help someone find the light switch, we find ourselves feeling depressed, hopeless, frustrated, or even angry that this person absolutely refuses to do anything to help themselves, that is when it's time for you to stop.  Take a breather and say, "Not my drama" and refuse to be sucked into their personal hell.  When their negativity steals your joy, it's time to walk away and simply pray for them to find the light on their own.  THAT is the absolute best that you can do for someone in a situation like this.

I hope you all have a blessed day.  Please remember to be kind to others, most especially yourself.  Namaste'.

Peace, Love, Light, and Blessings.

~Jenna

Lesson Three: Changes...

I'm late getting this one out due to internet issues early this morning when I usually post.  So glad my life doesn't depend on Hughesnet being a reliable service. :/   At any rate... onward and upward.

I found this and it's inspired me to talk about it, especially after a conversation I had with my mother on this very topic last night.  As I mentioned in previous blogs, my mother and I are close.  She is my voice of reason, many times, and is one of my very best friends.  I cherish the relationship we have today.

So, today I want to talk about change, but not just any change.  I'm talking about change on a much deeper level.  Improving upon oneself for the betterment of ones life. Making such changes can be quite a scary and difficult thing to accept sometimes, but we cannot make said changes if we are afraid to step out of our comfort zone.  Familiarity is comfort.  Doing the same things that we've always done is not going to yield the results we're hoping to achieve.  By doing that, we are only standing in our own way and defeating the purpose of change.  But, by the same token, we can't just expect results to be instantaneous... it wont happen over night; we've got to put the work into it, one step... baby-step even... at a time.

If you're anything like I am, there will be several aspects of life that we wish to improve upon, and it can be hard trying to decide where to begin.  It can get overwhelming when we want to do it all at the same time without realizing that in trying to make these kinds of life changes we can inadvertently overload our boats which can lead to feeling discouraged and/or frustrated because it's not happening quite the way we envision it.

We need to prioritize these changes we desire to make, choosing what is most important out of these all important changes.  For me, first and foremost is getting my health back...  physically, emotionally, and general well-being... which brings me to today's 'lesson' from Bruce:

Congratulations!  You've made the decision to change your life for the better, but a deep sense of knowing is only half the battle.  We know what we want to do, and we know what needs to be done to achieve this, now all that remains is to take a deep breath and simply... do it. 

For me, I'm using binaural meditation as a way to achieve certain results.  Different tones on different frequency waves is like...  reprogramming your brain and thus yourself.  If you are so inclined, you might find this helpful for yourself as well.  There are binaural meditations for just about everything under the sun.  Prioritize your changes, research binaural tones and meditations, and go from there.  But remember, knowing is not enough... we must do.

Listen to your intuition.  Trust your soul... it knows what it's doing.  Believe in yourself as I believe in you.... as I believe in me. :)

May you have a truly blessed day. Be kind to others, most of all yourself.  Namaste'.  

Peace, Love, Light, and Blessings.

~Jenna



*Disclaimer: Any and all likenesses of Bruce Lee that I use come from either the Bruce Lee FaceBook Page that is run by his daughter, Shannon, or from various Googled images.  I do not own these images, nor do I use them to propagate any form of income for myself.  They are used solely for the purpose of education, inspiration and encouragement.  All images are copyright their respective owners, and no infringements are intended. 

Lesson Two: Darkness and Light

I hope that everyone's had a safe and happy fourth of July celebration weekend!  It's been a quite and relaxing time for me; reflective in some ways.  Injured myself, quite by accident, simply bending over.  I wont go into details, but suffice it to say that I'm much improved now, more than 48 hours later.

I took a momentary break on the blog for the sake of the holiday weekend, so my words would not go to waste and I have to admit, I felt it calling to me all weekend.  I missed it, and I've only just begun.

The lesson that I want to share today is about our personal demons.  We all have them... the doubts in the back of our minds that tells us that we're not good enough.  The dark thoughts of anger and betrayal.  The seemingly endless dark of depression, my all too familiar friend.  But we cannot let this darkness rule our lives, or keep us living in fear.  We must find the light that is within ourselves... the light that leads us out of the darkness and back into living, one step, one day at a time.  That light... is the light of hope.

Yesterday afternoon, a message was channeled through a dear friend of mine. If it weren't for the fact that she's just a few years older than I am, I'd swear she was my twin... we are so much a like and have been through similar trials and tribulations in our lives, but we're both determined to find our way through them.  It wasn't a message meant solely for me, but one that I needed to hear.  One that I'm sure many need to hear, and so I'm sharing it today because it is relevant to the lesson I want to bring today:

"Many of us feel weary of this life at times. So many have signed up to accomplish so much & now we find ourselves doubting we can finish our work.  Dear hearts don't loose hope, as the dark night of the soul is part of the process. It too is what we signed up for, to crush us & grind us into clay so that we could create something beautiful. Know that there are silent invisible partners always with you on this path of the spirituality. You would not be given this assignment without the means, strength & tools to fulfill what you came here to do."
~AngelMessanger

 And this goes hand in hand with today's message from Bruce:

"No matter what, you must let your Inner Light guide you out of the darkness."  -- Bruce Lee

To me, through my eyes, the eyes of my heart, this is a deeply profound and personal statement.  As one who struggles with depression and anxiety, we have to find our inner light.  Let it draw our attention away from the darkness.  Let it grow because of curiosity, and let it lead us by determination.  When we follow our inner light, it leads us to a place of healing.  It leads us to a place of clarity.  It takes us to a place of joy despite a dark, black past.  It is a message that many of us could stand to hear in these bleak economic times.  I know it's hard, sometimes, but we have to keep our heads up.  We have to keep looking for/at the prize, because if we take our eyes off, even for a moment, that moment of doubt, that moment of looking down could be the moment that drowns us.  Yes, we all have our moments, but don't let them define you.  You are more than the sum of your doubts.  Remember, "As you think, so shall you become."

Be kind to others, most especially yourselves. Namaste'.

Peace, Love, Light, and Blessings everyone.

~Jenna


*Disclaimer: Any and all likenesses of Bruce Lee that I use come from either the Bruce Lee FaceBook Page that is run by his daughter, Shannon, or from various Googled images.  I do not own these images, nor do I use them to propagate any form of income for myself.  They are used solely for the purpose of education, inspiration and encouragement.  All images are copyright their respective owners, and no infringements are intended. 

Lesson 1: Thinking...

For my first 'lesson', I want to talk to you about what the first realization for me was.  In all my reading, of all the Bruce Lee quotes I've read over the years, this one struck me the other day:

“As you think, so shall you become.”

I really thought about this one for a bit.... what does he mean by it?  To me, the way I see it, is that... If we can think it, we can be/do it... we manifest our own reality.  It's the old adage if you hear something enough, you'll begin to believe it whether it's actual fact or not.  Meaning that if we continually tell each ourselves that we're not good enough or that we don't deserve a better life or we don't deserve to be loved (most especially by ourselves) then we begin to believe it to be truth, even though it is a falsehood.

We all deserve all of those things... a good life, the love of a companion, a job that we love, even to love ourselves. Of course, it's not just going to magically happen over night.  We have to work for it.  We have to keep on keeping on and striving for that better.  Doing what we NEED to do to GET that better life, great job, love of our lives/selves.

How do we do that?  It's really simple, actually.  We have to believe it... whatever that 'it' is, be it a better life, better job, a lover... whatever that IT is for you, DO IT! Believe in it! Put in the work required to GET it, and it WILL. BE. YOURS.

Everyday, you should be reminded that what you THINK matters where you and your life is concerned.  Even if you have to put a post it note on the coffee maker to remind you, or get a Sharpie and write that quote on the bathroom mirror so you see it every day when you get ready for work.  Put a post it in the middle of your steering wheel... do something, anything, that you have to do to remind yourself everyday “As you think, so shall you become.”

This is most important for those who have constant negativity bombarding them on a daily basis, whether it be from someone at home or on the job or at school.  People who talk down to you and/or tell you that you're not good enough, or that you'll never find what you're looking for.  Just remember to keep smiling, even if only on the inside, and tell yourself that they're the ones who are wrong and you ARE worthy!  Their opinion ultimately does not matter, because nothing they can say or do should stop you from doing what you have to do for yourself.  And what you have to do for yourself is BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!  :)

Peace, love, blessings, and light my friend.

~Jenna

Strange happenings

Over the last couple of days, as I've been reading and getting excited about this transitional phase I'm coming into. I've been on a manic high/very hyper roller coaster with intermittent 'rain' aka crying... happy crying, of course.  At any rate, I'd been awake for over 48 hours as of last night (wee morning today) when I finally crashed and passed out.

As the night went on and I was reading on my computer, I kept noticing what appeared to be shadow people darting around the room (which, at night is dark everywhere except where I sit.  I keep a side table lamp on next to my chair).  When I started closing down the computer so I could go to sleep, suddenly, the shape of a rather short (maybe 5 ft. or a little taller) man with his back to me very suddenly appeared in front of me, at my feet. I was a little startled at the suddenness of his appearance.  I smiled and pointed at him and said, "I see you." As I do with all the shadow people I see from time to time. (No, seeing them is nothing new to me as it's been happening to me as far back as I can remember)

After I said this to him, I began to see an image forming inside of his shape.  At first it appeared that he was wearing a suit of *black plaid on a yellow background, kinda like this:

After seeing this tartan, the man's shape slowly morphed into a large circle with watery/blurry/fuzzy edges, kind of like looking into a portal to another dimension and two smaller portal-like balls of light came from about two feet on either side and flew toward and into the larger portal, making a rippled water effect as the image changed.  I blinked hard a couple of times but the portal remained.

"Oh, wow!" I said, realizing that something strange was happening.  I couldn't quite make out what the image was changing to, but it appeared to be a pond with lily pads and pinkish-white water lilies.

"Is that a... a pond?" I asked.

Two more smaller portal balls appeared on either side of, and few into, the larger portal, and again there was the rippling effect and the image changed again.  I realized some thing was happening on a spiritual level and quickly finished putting my computer away while continuing to watch the portal.  I reached and turned off the light as I pushed my small computer desk away from the chair as I reclined back to watch what was happening.

The image changed to what appeared to be a mosaic of a phoenix.

"That's a phoenix," I said.

Two more balls of light appeared and came into the larger portal, then the rippling effect and another image.

"That's a... a monkey," I said.  This time, the image remained but got a little closer to 'the monkey's' face and I saw it a bit clearer.

"Is that a gorilla?"  The image pulled back again and I could see that it was sitting under a tree with a parrot above it on a branch.  "There's a parrot, too," I said, and two more balls of light came to change the image again.  (The next image?  A chimpanzee.)

This went on for a few more minutes and then the portal began to fade and I was overcome with sleep, passing out in a matter of seconds.  The whole experience left me feeling that something was definitely going on, but in a very spiritual/soul way.  What was accomplished?  I don't know.  All I know is that I awoke MANY hours later feeling rather tired and worn out, but otherwise in a peaceful mood.

No one I've ever known has experienced anything like this, and the few that I mentioned it to simply said, "Strange." (while probably thinking I've finally gone loopy. LOL)

Anywho... as I'm typing this up, I'm having a sense of déjà vu.  Hmm... strange days ahead. I'm sure I'll have some more strange stories to tell on this journey.  At the moment, the way I'm feeling is almost as if my soul is actually not with me at this particular moment.  I'm feeling disconnected and distracted with a sense of weary in the forecast for this evening.

Prior to all this happening, last evening/night while on the way to my doctor's appointment, I was talking to my mother about the things I've learned so far in my research on the "Bruce Lee Philosophy" (as I'm calling it), I recounted a memory one of his former pupil's had told about him.  He said:

**Leo Fong, a Methodist minister, movie director, and former student of Bruce Lee's, remembers a conversation he had with Bruce in 1964:

Bruce asked me, 'Why are you taking all these gung fu classes?'

"I said, 'Well, I'm looking for the ultimate." Bruce let out a big laugh. He said:

"Man, there ain't no ultimate! The ultimate is within you!'

It took me a while to let go of the old beliefs, the old crutches. When I got around to letting go and started to train on my own I realized what Bruce had imparted to me. It's frightening being your own teacher.

"The only way you can find the cause of your own ignorance," he said, "is self-evaluation and total commitment to your own process toward growth."

My mother said to me:

"Do you know what stands out to me about that?"
"What?" I asked.
"What Bruce said to him... about 'the ultimate' being inside you.  He's saying that everything you need to better yourself you already have... inside of you."

I agreed with her, but she argued:

"Then why are you looking outside of yourself for the answers?"

I explained to her that the reason I am reaching out to Bruce's Spirit for guidance is because I once thought I knew how to make that connection.  I thought I had all the answers, but I've come to realize that I don't.  I'm having trouble staying focused and achieving what it is I want to achieve.  So, I've reached to Bruce to teach me how to connect to my inner-ultimate.  How to find the answers I seek and how to learn the art of inner-peace and detachment as he did.  I'm asking him to teach me from the beyond.

My mother expressed a concern that I was going to try and walk his path, and I assured her that his path was his path and I have no intention of following in his footsteps.  I'm just asking him to help me to find mine so that I am better prepared for my own path.

On our way home, I was telling my mother another something that had happened to me the other day while I was thinking about everything that I'm coming to learn right now.  I brought up a moment from my past, as a teenager.  A very depressing time for me when I had tried to commit suicide.  I told her about the music that was playing in the background that night; the song that stayed my hand.  The year was 1988, and the song was "Reason To Live"  by KISS.  I went on to explain that I'd read a Bruce Lee quote that had me thinking the other night when I realized something quite profound (which I'll get to in today's "Lesson"), only to again realize the music playing the background.  Again, a song by KISS by the name of "I" with the following lyrics hitting me with an even more profound imact:

I was so frightened 

I almost ran away  

I didn't know that I could do 

Anything I needed to 

And then a bolt of lightning 

Hit me on my head 

Then I began to see 

I just needed to believe in me

Then I

(Chorus)

I believe in me

Oh, and I

I believe in something more than you can understand

Yes, I believe in me

In hearing those lyrics, I began to cry and smile.  Yet again, at a very profound moment in my life, here is KISS (my favorite band, btw) with a soundtrack song for my life, endearing them even more to me.

Again, my mother smiled and said, "Yet again, something in your life telling you that everything you need is within you."  I just smiled and said, "Yes, it is.  I just have to believe in me."

So, anywho... that wraps up the strange events and epiphanies from yesterday evening/night.  I hope today has been a blessed day for you all.

Peace, love, blessings and light.  Good night.

~Jenna



*For those that are curious, that is the MacLeod of Lewis Tartan (which is a
Scottish Highland clan, btw.  You can read more about them here.)

**This is an excerpt from "Becoming: A quest for Spirit, a longing to become.  The Philosophy of Bruce Lee" -- I will share more from this through out my transitioning phase. :) 

Introduction Pt. 1

Introduction:

What can I say about myself?  Well, there are a few things I know for certain:

1.  I’m not where I thought I’d be by this point in life.
2.  I’m not doing what I’d really like to be doing with my life.
3.  But, I am where I feel like I’m supposed to be for now… at least as far as physical location is concerned.

I’m beginning to think that old adage about life is true:  What screws us up most is the image we have in our heads of how it’s supposed to be; The Fantasy vs. The Reality.

Oh, Hi!  Welcome inside my head!  I’m Jenna, and I’ll be your tour guide!  Please keep all arms, hands, and legs neatly tucked in as they should be, don’t want to lose any appendages.  All ready?  Alrighty!!  Sooooo…. off we go!!  

I’m a barely over 40, over-weight, single mom with a long list of ‘issues’ that I’m looking to pack-up and be rid of.  What issues, you ask… well, I suffer from Chronic Pain, for starters, a list which includes: Neuropathy, Restless Leg Syndrome, Varicose Veins on occasion, Sciatica, Fibromyalgia, and there is something (what we don’t know yet) wrong with my spine as well as a few migraines a month and insomnia.  Though, insomnia isn’t exactly a ‘chronic pain’… well… I guess proverbially speaking, it could be considered as such, and while we’re on the topic, we’ll add bi-polar to that list of ‘proverbial chronic pain’ as well!  Ha! 

Anywho, I’m just chock full low self-esteem, low self-worth, self-loathing, and self-depreciation with a big ol’ heaping helping of self-doubt on the side.  I also tend to sabotage myself a lot because of the aforementioned list of ‘beautiful selfies’.  I tend to start some pretty amazing projects only to leave them in varying stages of incompletion for the same reasons…  I tend to tear myself down and tell myself that I’m just not good enough to do what I want to do, what I have such a passion for; this is where the self-doubt rears its ugly head and I have myself a healthy portion of “What if…?” for dessert.  Have I mentioned that I generally have a pretty negative outlook on things?   Well, I do…

“Is there anything good you can say about yourself?” you may be asking.  Hmmm… well… I do have incredible, and sometimes a bit alarming, intuitive abilities.

Are my abilities where I’d like them to be?
No.

Are my abilities where they used to be?

No. In fact, they seem to be depreciating actually.

Do I want to get them back?

You bet!!

I know… I know what you must be thinking.  “Intuitive! Pshaw! Yeah, right!”  --insert snort and huge eye rolling here--  Well, if you’ve come here with a closed mind and a close heart, something to that effect will be what you’re thinking.  In which case, you should just stop reading right now because you will not learn anything by reading this blog.  Go on… we’ll wait for you to leave. 

For those who went to get the popcorn, please click on part two for the continuation. :)