How do you say 'Goodbye...'?

Today has been a rather hard day for me.  I'm trying to do the best I can right now on my path to recovery and salvation and trying to stay positive and upbeat when your heart is breaking is a very difficult thing to do.  I've made some rather startling and very painful realizations today.

First and foremost, realizing that certain people in your life that you truly love very deeply no longer feel the same about you, or have been wrongly poisoned against you.  Realizing that you're just another number to them.... another faceless name on a screen, despite having known each other for 15 years.  A deep sense of 'knowing' that you need to let go and simply fade into invisibility,  knowing that this is the end of the road for them in your life.

How do you let go of someone who means the world to you when you no longer mean the world to them?  How do you say goodbye to someone that you love so deeply with all your soul when you know that you're invisible to them? How do you let them go knowing how much it's killing you to do so?

And if that wasn't bad enough, my eldest daughter, who has spent the summer away from home, messages me tonight and says, "Is it bad that I don't want to come back home?"  And it's not so much because she doesn't love me, because I know she does, but... it reinforces all those negative feelings I have toward myself.  That I'm not good enough.  That I'm a failure because my daughter hates where I've moved our family to so that I can recover from my physical illnesses with the peace of mind knowing that my kids are taken care of if I end up back in the hospital again.  That I'm incapable of providing a happy home environment for my kids to want to come home to.

How do you tell yourself that you're doing the best you can right now?  How do you not feel like crawling under a rock and quietly dying the slow death that you already feel in your soul?  How do you tell yourself that you do matter when you feel like you don't?  How do you tell yourself that you're worthy when you feel like you're not?  That you are loved when you feel that you aren't?

...

...

...

--closes my eyes to fight back the flood of tears I feel coming on again, and take a deep breath and say to myself--

Self, please move.  You're standing... our way.



Namaste', everyone.  Good night.

~Jenna